June 2003, Have you ever ask the questions: “What am I? Why the hell are we here? Where were we from? Where are we going? And where will we go after we die? Have you? And if you have, did you find the answer? Well, I have. I have been asking these questions since as long as I can remember, ages ago it seems, yet, only yesterday. I was born in Indonesia, in Medan, capital city of North Sumatra, Indonesia. It was the year of the Dragon 1976, month of Sagittarius 11, on the 28th day. Childhood? Lets not even go there. Ok, maybe briefly! It was a normal childhood, you know, two brothers, a younger sister, middle class working family, had all we needed. I was shy, introverted, kept to myself and always living in my own universe where dragons, beings from magical and celestial realms exist. It was my home! I’ve always been fascinated by these realms, where no pain, sufferings, hatred, bigotry, jealousy, greed, ignorance exist. Just pure stillness. It can be said that my family is religious, my parents practice Taoism, Ancestral worship, and the so-called Buddhism, yet we all went to a catholic school. So now you know why I asked those question. When I was a kid, whenever mom took me to the temple, I would always go straight to this particular shrine, the shrine of a Buddhist deity, a bodhisattva. I didn’t know who she was then, but only this extraordinary compassionate expression on her face. So pure, it made me want to go straight into her arms, I felt so at home. It was later that I found out her name is Avalokiteshvara, ‘The Lord Who Listens to the Cries of the World’, one of the most famous Buddhist bodhisattvas that embodies compassion. Bodhisattvas are beings who delay their attainment of the Supreme Enlightenment in order to deliver all sentient beings from sufferings. So that was it! I felt so naturally drawn to her. I started to draw pictures of her, reading book, just finding out all about her. But it wasn’t until I came to Australia years later that I learn more about her, or studying the so-called Buddhism religion. I came to Australia in October 1993. Attended high school, being a normal teenager, you know, discovering the world, exploring my sexuality, experimenting with drugs, you name it, finding out who I was through these so-called world religions. I was into the occult, tarot, I was there and doing it! And it was until two years ago, that my discovering, exploring, experimenting, searching came to an end. On one night, when I couldn’t sink any lower, I was hitting rock bottom, everything was lost, hopes, dreams. I was tired, cheated, betrayed, beaten and lost. And wasn’t it funny, because all of this only happened in my head. I was just a step away from giving it all up and throwing them into the looney bin. Then, that night, it happen, I was falling asleep and arrived at that state between dream and reality. Somehow, my conscience told me that there is a way out of this, out of this madness, out of these dreams that I’ve been in for many lifetimes. It told me that there is a way to wake up of these dreams. The question is how? You see, throughout my childhood, I’ve always been a very quiet child. I would sit and stare into nothingness for hours, I used sit in front of the window an a balcony just to watch the rain. I would sit and stare at the rain for hours and hours. I loved it! I love the sound of it…….then…… Early in 2002, I discovered a temple in Narre Warren North, and I found out they hold a 2 weeks ordination retreat, or the short term monkhood retreat. I was immediately interested and registered right then and there. Came home that day, I asked myself, “Do I really want to do this? Am I ready for this? So for the next 11 months, I was preparing for it, subconsciously you might say. I was doing my own homework, reading any books I came across about Buddhism, finding out who was the Buddha, what was his teachings all about, how many schools and traditions are there. Finally, after months of reading and discovering, I narrowed down my search to the Mahayana school, or The Great Vichle, where the concept of bodhisattva hood is the core of its teaching. I learnt all there is to learn about the Buddha’s teachings, the way of the bodhisattvas, and started practicing different methods of meditations, from counting breath to visualisation, to Vipassana. Then the day finally arrived. I was ordained as a novice monk for 2 weeks. Our master from this temple is of the Lin Chi Zen lineage from china, and I was introduced to the Zen method of practice. It was then and there I decided that Zen is the practice that I have a close affinity with, and started practicing seriously from there. The main focus of Zen is calming the mind, by means of meditation. Throughout the whole 2 weeks, I was put to the test to the very core, all my belief systems were shattered, my sanity was being justified, in the end of it I realized, I have wasted my live living in delusions, searching out there for the impossible, when I already have it . It is right here in front of me, under every breath I take. One only has to stop! Drop! Let go! Drop all thinking, knowing, ideas, opinions, judgments, dualities, ego! Let it all go until there is nothing left but utter silence, utter emptiness, then you start becoming, you start being, you start living so totally into the moment. When you walk, talk, eat, sleep, do it all so totally, that you become the walking, not the walker, you become the talking, not the talker, you become eating, not the eater, you become sleeping, not the sleeper. Only then, you will start seeing the beauty of life, the beauty of existence. For the first time the flowers start blossoming and showering upon you, the birds singing the song of life, the sun shining its ray of light, the children playing, and carrying on in the field. All is just like this, see life at it is! Then you will touch the face of the Buddha! That is all…., just like this! Don’t listen to the Buddha, don’t trust the Buddha, only listen to yourself, only trust yourself,…..through the Buddha. Be light onto yourself!! Amitabha!